All or Nothing

I know when she's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time your realized
Its over, over


Its not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's gotta give
That sharing this relationship
Gets older, older


You know I'd fight for you
But how can I fight?
Someone who isn't even there


I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
Its time to show and tell


Cause I want it all, or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
when you reach the bottom
its now or never


Is it all? 
Or are we just friends?
Is this how it ends?
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here, with nothing at all


There are times it seems to me
Sharing you will never is
I feel it in my heart
But I don't show it, show it


And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe its right
I know it, know it


Don't make promises, 
you never knew how to keep them well

I've had the rest of you

Now I want the best of you

Its time to show and tell

Can't believe I am down with a heartbreak

Everything was wrong,

until I met you.

You make me want to be as good as you which I know is impossible but you keep me going to work to be better and better than the person I was. I fell for you not because for how you look but because when we just got to know each other, you said something I do not understand at all. I was sick and you prayed for me. Yes. Just a prayer made me fell for you because I was never given that direction of attention. Tears formed in my eyes that morning, I felt a little completed. There you are, my man, I thought.

Hidayat, you mean the whole world to me. I am not exaggerating. I am not praising.. but I love you so much because I feel like you are this one amazing gift from Allah. When I sit in your class and looked at you talk, I could go on feeling butterflies in my stomach. I love you because when I met you, I wanted to be better and better for you, at the same time for Allah. I want to see you as my gift from Allah, I want to look into your eyes and see you love Allah because I love Allah, because I want to share your joy and sorrow, to share tears and to make do'a with you. I want to bear your children to love and care with you which is a gift from Allah, because I want to share my moments with you, because you are a gift perhaps, a gift that I feel Allah's love through me. I want me to be your gift.

I was thinking too much all these while because.. you meant that much to me and if you were to walk away, I do not know how can I pick up and move on again. Allah made you so perfect to complement my imperfection- thats the way how I see it.

And now that you're good looking and intelligent, it all come as a plus point for me.

You may not feel the same towards me and I am willing to accept that fact. I still think you're a gift that I don't deserve at times. And now that you're very mad with me, which I know I deserve for thinking of my insecurities all these while.

Hidayat, I love you with all my heart, because of Allah and nothing else.

Pierced

It really pierced me when you talk about marriage and how you're struggling to find one.

And that one is not me at all.

Just imagine being in my shoes.

In Trust I Trust

I miss you.

And when I miss you, I usually listen to recitations of an Noor, verse 35.

So that I remember how great Allah is that He let streamed His noor into my heart by breaking it up with a little crack. That darkness will surrender and light will prevail.

And that I will learn to love, for the first time in my life..  Love Allah, love Allah, love Allah.

I never felt an intense love to something that is existential yet invisible by the eye. The love that free me from who I was, the same love that brought me to be where I was. That I felt love and love and love..

And that I wouldn't be in love if Allah didn't wrote that perhaps we weren't meant to be.

But sometimes I just can't help but to think, how nice it is to have man who is equally in love with the faith like I am and that I learn to love him because of Allah.

Tawakkalna ala Allah..

I put my trust in Allah.. If we were meant to be, we will.

Who am I?

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing as in, nothing?"

"Yes, nothing as in nothing."

My tears were at the brim of my eyes. I forced it to be held back. My throat pulled a knot. Dried.. exhausted of words. I wanted to tell my her.. asked her.. Why do I feel this way? Why do i feel heartbroken? Angry? Devastated? Empty? Shagged? 

No point.

"Kakak, sometimes in life we have to look at ourselves. Where we stand. Why do you harp on someone who don't even stand at our grounds kakak? They are from different world. What makes you think he will choose you? Make you special?"

That was how i feel mama. That was how i felt the first time he cracked a joke. That was how i felt the first when he created a conversation. The feeling of knowing that i do not deserve such man in my life, even as a friend. That a man with high level knowledge who compared to me.. had nothing close to abundant. I chose to push him away mama. I chose to think lowly of myself.

But he kept getting nearer.

and nearer...

and.. nearer.

Finally invading my heart without his intention to do so.

Why makes me think a person who studies the secrets of the Quran wants to be with someone ordinary like me who only studied computer? Astagfirllah.. I must have taken myself up too high thinking that a person like him would want to be with a person like me.

:'(

SubhanAllah.

Ya Allah forgive me, invade my heart. Strengthened my heart with love, Your love ya Allah... 

When the cool wind blew

I was doing some work and then the cool wind blew. I got reminded of him. I felt guilty but my mind was distracted. I felt angrier, as I tried harder and realized that I needed to get this out from my mind. Who is this person..?

I cannot say his awesome. Nor incredible. Or cool. He was just another person that crossed my path and reminded of me, of who I am. I felt love at least for a while.

Remember my a month ago post/entry? It was heartbreaking wasn't it? I fell in love with a man i don't even know, don't even see but intensely felt for him. I remember feeling the same way when i was younger but this month has all i needed. Imaan and taqwa. I had fears, many many fears. He is full of imaan and taqwa while i, on the other hand is a woman who barely understood the words he mentioned. And it was 'syafakillah' (may Allah cure you) that opened up to many more doors that was hidden in me.

I was sick and he personally messaged me. With that short ayah. I was in the bus, it was raining and I was in pain (I had a bad tummy ache in the wee hours). I struggled to think and started to google. I smiled and said ameen discreetly. He was very sweet, soft spoken and tender with his words. Never did I know, knowing a little of him could poison me through out.

And it did.

I am tired. I think i get some rest. I'll cont' tmr. InsyaAllah